I'm Still Breathing
by Sidhrin
Summary: A Songfic, with a letter...


Heero sat on the windowsill and looked at the soft snow calmly falling down on the frozen ground. The wind palying with the crystals, every one out of these millions unique. Never the same.  
  
Heero looked on the table. There laid a letter, the letter from Duo.  
  
He looked out of the window again, turned his gaze away from the truth he had so long denied to himself. In the Backgrund the radio played. A new songwish was read out. A musicwish by.. shinigami, with a special greeting to perfect soldier, whoever that may be. The announcer said shinigami wants this song be dedicated to perfect soldier, crazy people out there, giving nicknames like 'shinigami' or 'perfect soldier'...  
  
Heero closed his eyes. He turned the volume on full power, ignored the cries of protest from his neighbors, listened to the text of the song and let himself be carried by the beat of the music. In his mind the words written on this white sheets of paper, written by a boy, a boy called Duo, 'replayed'.  
  
Heero  
  
/Did you think my life would end that day  
That you walked out, when you broke my heart/  
  
I hate you, I hate you so much it hurts, and yet there's this love inside me, do I still love you? I don't understand it..I wish it would be easy, easy to forget to understand, but it isn't It's hard, it's painful, it's more than I can bear. I should have known, didn't I? When did the ones I loved ever stay with me for a lifetime? When did they ever care enough for me not to leave me later?? Never, they've never stayed with me, never. Always left me alone, alone with this pain, but time heals, heals all the wounds, inflicted on me, doesn't it? I hope it does, I really do. But it does, I've made the experiences, sometime, you forget it all, forget all this hurt, only short, but you do. Probably it's only a surpression, the line between forgetting and surpressing is very thin.   
  
/Did you think I couldn't make it through  
Ooh, without you  
Did you think you'd stop my world with goodbye, oh no  
Did you think I'd crumble inside/  
  
You're an icecold egoist, have always been. You've always wanted to make everything perfect, but you made everything wrong, everything. You may think I'm as perfect as you've always wanted to be. But I'm not, nobody is. Even you.   
  
/Not Me, I'm still breathing  
And this heart of mine is still beating  
I, I'm not feeling any pain/  
  
Probably you thought you had just to throw me away, I would crawl back to you sometime, like a toy, that you could throw away whenever you were not in the mood to play, literally. Have you ever told me you love me? Ever whispered words of affection and acknowledgement to me? No, you didn't. I just guessed you loved me- what a moron I have been.   
  
Someday it occurred to me, how you treated me, sometime it was clear to me, that you don't love me, only use me. But it was too late, I've fallen for you, your uncontrollable lust, your deep passion, it addicted me. But it did not make me will less.  
  
/No baby, not me, I'm still breathing  
This old heart of mine is still beating/  
  
No, I am not that weak, I'm a fighter, I'm Shinigami, Shinigami does not die nor surrender. But Shinigami can feel. He has to be able to feel, otherwise it would be impossible for me to feel this pain. I hate you, I love you, I venerate you, I abhor you. My feelings are a single chaos, a storm which never deceases to suck everything in. All these emotions, emotions I do not understand. I don't love you anymore, .... Or do I???  
  
/The tears I cried have dried  
You are gone and I survived  
I'm still breathing/  
  
I feel so old, but age doesn't protect me, does it? I've been so stupid, to think you'd ever love me. The thruth hurts, hurts so much. It shreds apart all hopes, hurts my soul, my inner 'me'. But at least you can be sure, one day you'll forget all this, all the pain, all the hurt. You don't know what love means, do you? You don't know what it means to have somebody who waits for you, takes you in his arms when you're alone. I tried everything, but I'm too weak, I can't show you what true love means. This thought destroys me, am I the one to blame of you not knowing what love means? Why don't you answer me, you're standing there in front of me, your eyes so cold, emotionless, I want to take you in my arms again, but your appearance fades away, flickers, becomes transparent, and then you're away. Bastard. Oh Kami, I love you so much.   
  
/There were times when it took all my strength  
To just get through, yeah, through another day/  
  
What did you want from me? My body? You've taken it and treatened it like trash. And yet, sometimes your touches were so soft, frightened? I wish I could talk to you, ask you, how that could happen, but I can't. You've hurt me, my feelings, tore my love in parts in threw it away, left me alone. Do you know what it means to cry until there're no more tears in your body? When you're alone and cold. Can't you understand how I felt when you looked at me with these cold blue eyes, and undressed me with these passionate eyes?  
  
/There were so many nights I thought that I was gonna die  
Without you  
But the tears I cried somehow made me strong, so strong  
Did you think I couldn't go on/  
  
But my love has disappeared, I can't understand it, I've always loved you, didn't I? But now there's only this emptiness, an emptiness you can't fill anymore, you can't make this emptiness dissappear anymore. I've always thought someday you'd open up to me. But the iceblock didn't seem to melt. It became worse and I started to think it was all my fault. But I have friends who I can rely on, who support me. I don't need you anymore Heero. I still love you, it seems so, otherwise I wouldn't write this letter. But this love is nothingmore than a ghost, a ghost who tries to lay itself upon my soul and pull me in the dark. But I'm not as weak as you may think, but I don't care what you think of me, I can imagine it myself.   
  
/Not Me, I'm still breathing  
And this heart of mine is still beating  
I, I'm not feeling any pain/  
  
I grin, I write this letter and I grin, because I know you can't just ignore this defeat. I'm stronger than you Heero, stronger than 'Perfect Soldier'. Ha, perfect, you want to be that, huh? But are not Heero, nobody is, but I think you now it now, you're not stupid after all. You know that I'm right, don't you. And this disturbs you. Well, too bad Heero, you're a loser, it may sound hard, but it's true. You know I don't lie. Not even for you. I know that you're going back to this iceblock state, that I tried to melt, but I didn't success. But I don't care anymore, you're not important for me anymore, Heero, not anymore.... I hope. A little part of my soul still longs to be with you. But it will decease. I won't be there for you anymore. I will forget you, someday.   
  
/No baby, not me, I'm still breathing  
You are gone and I survived  
I'm still breathing  
  
You tried to cut me down  
But look who's still around  
Without you/  
  
I can forget you, I can live without you. Did you think you're everything for me, did you think I'd lie on the floor and crie? (Ok, I did that...) Did you think I'd be on my knees and beg you to stay? Jerk! Sadistic bastard. Baka, Baka yarô. I want to hate you, I can't. Why can't I hate you??? Answer me! Tell me why I'm unable to hate you. Goddammit! I'm starting to cry, I don't want to cry. But it hurts so much. Dammit. Why do I have to cry, am I that weak? No, I'm not weak, I'm Shinigami. But the tears still flow. Dammit, the ink is about to smear. God, I don't even know why I make these efforts to write you. Probably you're just going to rip my letter apart. But I think, I don't care about that. Is it important to you, when I write to you? Is it important to you, when I tell you I can live without you. Or does it let you cold? Do you know, actually I don't care what you feel about me. ... Dammit, I do care. I want you to feel the saim pain as me. I wish I could stand in  
front of you and tell you this, but I can't, I think I'd cry, like a child.  
  
/Did you think you'd stop my world with good bye, no baby  
Did you think I'd crumble, just crumble inside  
Not Me, I'm still breathing  
And this heart of mine is still beating  
I, I'm not feeling any pain  
No baby, not me, I'm still breathing/  
  
I can't believe I wrote this much. More than 3 pages. I wish I could say into your face, say how much I despise you, hate you, how little you mean to me, but then I had to lie. I don't want to lie. Not in front of you. Never. I want.... I think it's better when I stop now.. I hope...  
  
Duo Maxwell  
  
/This old heart of mine is still beating  
The tears I cried have dried  
You are gone and I survived  
I'm still breathing  
The tears I cried have dried  
You are gone and I survived  
I'm still breathing/  
  
Heero listened to the last beats of the music, while he imagined Duo playing with the end of his braid, like he always did when he was nervous. Duo has so many peculiarities.  
  
Heero walked to the radio, turned it off. Then he took a candle, lit it, took the letter and burnt it, decomposed it into ashes.  
  
He sat on the windowsill again looked in the snow and thought of two violet-blue eyes that hunted him in his dreams. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He took the ashes, opened the window and threw the remains of Duo's letter out of the window. Out in the cold. He let the window open, the cold air blewing into the room. The piercing smell of burnt paper diminishing. He closed his eyes and a certain pair of eyes seemed to eat him up from the inside. With a sigh he leaned against the wall and fell into a light slumber.  
  
Fin. 


End file.
